The Duel Life Of Hair

Ya know, hair has it kind of rough. Now I'm not talking any crazy piece of hair on the body, because well, we know some have it rougher than others... No, I'm talking about hair on your head. In general, everybody is a big fan, right? We prefer not to be bald, lots of hot girls have nice long flowing hair etc. In short, hair is a good thing. That is, until it loses its spot on your cranium...

See, when hair is on someone's head, it's beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, whatever. But now think about hair off of someone's head and it can become one of the most toxic pieces of material on earth. Think about it, hair in the drain? ew Hair in your food? nasty Hair in your mouth? puke.

So my question is, why the change? Why does a once beloved object become one of the most disgusting, possibly up there with band aids not on a person's skin (total ew).

Here's my possible explanation. Hair becomes alive after it leaves your head. Huh? Counter intuitive, I know.

But think about it. How does hair, once it leaves your head, end up in the weirdest, nastiest, god forsaken places in the world. I mean, hidden in a wedding cake? Come on. You know that little fucker (the piece of hair that is) intentionally made it's way in to the dessert for the most specialist of special days. I can just see it crawling from the the kitchen floor (ya know, after falling from the chef's head), up the metal post of the mixing table, sliiiiiding up the side of the bowl and eeeeassing it's way in to the cake batter, biding it's time in the oven, cackling (if it had a mouth) and drumming its fingers together like an evil genius (if it had fingers), all the while waiting for that moment when some party goer gets a huge frown on their face, a look that then turns in to disgust, and sometimes all out fear when they realize what's taken place inside their mouth.

And how embarrassing a ritual is it to pull a 10 inch piece of hair from your mouth, whilst your half chewed cake still sits on your tongue. Clearly dignity points are lost here (along any hopes of making it with the bridesmaid sitting next to you now hurling in to her purse).

So I say fuck it. Let's all go bald. Shave our heads right now and screw those nasty oil producing, grey turning little fear mongers.

All I say is... you go first.

PS I know I started out this rant feeling bad for hair, but after writing all this, they deserve what they get.