Mini Shopping Carts

So, I don't know how many people are going to "get" this, considering I have no idea how widespread these objects are that I'm about to discuss. BUT, who the fuck cares. I am, of course, going to talk about - the mini shopping cart.

Now, if you're all like "uh... what that the fuck is a mini shopping cart Latham?". About two months ago, I would have been all like "I don't know, but it sounds pretty fucking stupid random person asking me a question". But now, after living in LA and spending a small fortune (including $7 gallons of organic milk - fuck) at the always wondrous, Whole Foods, I'd be able to easily explain that "mini shopping carts are in fact, shopping carts that have had their designers dictate that the height and width of the shopping cart need to be proportionally of a smaller dimension than that of they're more common, and in many cases, more effective older siblings. In short - they're smaller."

Now, pushing around a shopping cart is about as emasculating as it gets. So you can imagine how these mini carts make you feel. yeah. it's like going in to a strip club and telling the stripper - hey, here's two grand, blow my mind; and she turns around, bends over, and farts (now I'm not exactly sure how that's emasculating, but man is it gross).

Anyway, basically what I'm getting at is that pushing one of these things around makes you feel kinda self conscious (like how that guy who just read that stripper part felt self conscious when he popped a hooterific boner). So, as you might imagine, the inspiration for this whole spiel was due to my pushing one of these carts around at a local Whole Foods this past weekend...

So, I'm pushing this cart around thinking "man, I look kinda silly pushing this cart around - I mean, not as silly as a polar bear who forgets to wipe (white fur - euw), but pretty fucking silly. And definitely something I should remedy". And what did I come up with? Fucking mini shopping cart dancing. Now, if you're a little pissed off because you read this far and that is what you waited for? You, my friend, have not tried mini shopping cart dancing. In short, I would describe it as a combination of: one part moon walking, two tenths wake boarding, a dash of gay club dancing, one tenth seizure induced by a japanese cartoon, two twenty fifths drunk alcoholic piss shivers, aaaand a whole lot of self humiliation.

So the basic premise erupted from my complete inability to push a shopping cart and not run, pushing the cart and riding behind it as it pulls me. I mean, I know this is a bit juvenile (back that ass up. sorry), but doesn't everyone still get the urge to just "ride the wave" of the shopping cart experience? I mean, I'm not the only one right? I know I'm not, so this shouldn't be too hard to imagine for many of you. In this case, I just decided to put dance moves to the experience and I came up with a few moves so far that I thought I'd share: first off we have the "run, push, trip, almost run in to shelf of refried beans and suddonly come upon cute girl to whom you try and look a bit debonair - shuffle", next, the always popular "push, ramming of gut into cart handle because cart with stupid stupid wheels ran into random nut on the grocery store floor - spin" and last but not least, the classic "run the old lady out of the aisle while dragging your feet behind your cart frantically trying to look rad - bop"

As you might have guessed, I'm still working on a few of the moves, but I'm expecting to go pro by about this time next year. I mean they have fucking cheerleading on TV; like they wouldn't put mini shopping cart dancing on ESPN 2. Shit, with the success of Dancing With The Stars, I'm fully expecting to get a call from the head of ABC about 10 minutes after I post this. In the mean time I'll be practicing my next move - I think I'll call it the "wait wait security officer, I was just in a hurry to get olives for my greek salad - twist".




Disclosure: not the carts I was referring to, but much more yummy filled.

Full Disclosure: I looked up synonyms for "boner" while writing this post. And I've never been to a club of the strippers - also known as, a strip club.